And Everything Is Going Fine

The hi-def's not worth it, but what a great movie. All hail the ghost of Spalding Gray.

Dog Eat Dog

Shaky, gritty, sweaty. Violent? Sold.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence

If you were part of the Human Centipede, which segment would you be?

I think most of us would want to be the guy in front. But honestly, isn't that the guiltiest of segments? Think about it: you can use both arms, turn your head, and hold a conversation. You can even eat a tasty meal! As far as a Centipede existence could go, life is pretty darn great. But here's where the horror comes in, and it's the most evil type of horror, a psychological pain that you will never escape since all the while you know, you know, that some poor fucker has his mouth sewn into your butthole, and behind him? Another poor fucker whose mouth is sewn into that guy's butthole. So while you have a wealth of creature comforts and get to enjoy the freedom of pretend mobility, you will never ever ever forget that each and every one of your natural instincts contributes to the suffering of at least two other kind-hearted souls. Do you honestly think you could live with that burden? With that guilt on your conscience?

The middle segment, now that's the one conventional wisdom abhors.We wouldn't even have a movie if it wasn't for this segment. But to all of you, I posit this: maybe, just maybe, you're the type of person who likes the status quo. Maybe you routinely accept your position in life. If that sounds like you, then maybe this middle segment ain't so bad. Sure, you may subsist on a diet of raw feces and shit in the mouth of a stranger, but you have the luxury of knowing full well that there is nothing you can do about it! You are bereft of any and all decision-making capabilities. Harboring illusions that you can get yourself out of this and improve your life? Impossible. That's actually kind of comforting, right? It's not like you can waste your time devising an escape plan because you can't even talk! And hell, talk? You can't even make eye contact. Everything in your life from crawling across the front lawn to swallowing a quart of diarrhea is going to happen whether you want it to or not. A life without choice, without all free will. How liberating.

But if it's nobility and honor that you crave, then you have one and only one choice. The final segment. Absorbing twice-filtered poo is, of course, a nauseating way to live out your final days, but doing so will only build you into the ultimate martyr. While you may be on the receiving end of the most miserable of miseries, you absolutely cannot make anyone's life worse. Your sphincter releases now-thrice-filtered poop onto...what? The floor? Big deal. You are like Jesus, you are, dying a slow death so that others may live. Choose the caboose, and you will be live for eternity.

60 Spins Around the Sun

Randy Credico uses crowd work to fight unfair drug policy and sleeps on the floor of a disorganized NY apartment.

Directed by Laura Kightlinger. Tweeted by David Feldman. Enjoyed by stand-up fans with Netflix streaming and an hour to kill.

The New York Ripper

I expected eviscerations and eyeball impalements, but I sure didn't anticipate any big toe frottage, razor blade nipple slicin', or broken bottle lady stabbin'. Not sure about this Fulci character.

Joan Rivers -- A Piece of Work

Joan Rivers is amazing. While it's easy to see her on HSN and forget that she's still a comedic genius, it's even easier to never ever realize that she works like a goddamn maniac. Fifty years in the biz, folks. If she wasn't great, you wouldn't know who she is.

Good Will Hunting

I didn't see Good Will Hunting until it came out on video and it made me feel fucking terrible about myself because Matt Damon was a genius who chose to break rocks with his dipshit friends and I graduated second in my class and chose to live at home and go to community college.

Today when the movie popped up on the Encore and I stuck around so I could laugh at its corny setups and contrived dialogue, but I stuck around too long and pretty soon I started feeling fucking terrible about myself because I spent an evening trying to make fun of a movie I didn't even like when I could have been out doing something with my life.

The King of Comedy

Does this Sandra Bernhard have screeeeeeeeen presence or what? Not only does she hold her own against Bobby D and take that nasty slap from Big Joey Levitch, but she plays Masha with a pitch perfect sense of desperation and bravado that you're can't help but be frightened, annoyed, and increasingly attracted to her all at the same time. It's impressive stuff, man, and it bums me out a little that I didn't manage to hone in on her career any sooner.

Notorious (2009)

I've now seen more hip-hop biopics than I have Hitchcock films.

127 Hours

127 HOURS WAS MAXIMUM SELF OWNAGE. HE DRANK HIS PEE & ALMOST BEAT OFF.

Slumdog Millionaire

Danny Boyle's a real deal auteur motherfucker, son. I'm all in.

The Color of Money

I like these low-key Scorsese flicks because I think we all need to be reminded of how great a filmmaker Marty really is. Now it's not like we ever forget that Goodfellas is the greatest movie ever made every time we watch it on TNT, but, see, that's the thing....it's on, like, every other Saturday. Color of Money, though, ain't never on no Turner network and I have yet to see Loni Love or Paul Scheer talk about it on a VH1 clip show, so when you sit on your couch and fire it up, hell, it's ALL up to you.

Music by Robbie Robertson, script by Richard Price, knock-it-out-of-park cameo by Forest Whitaker, and one seriously tremendous fucking actin' performance by one Paul Motherfucking Newman. Witness the goddamn manliest sonofabitch the world's ever seen. Let's hear it for King Marty. He never let New York, New York get him down.

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Finally saw this and only watched it for the Joe Bob Briggs audio commentary 'cause, well, let's be honest here, John Bloom is a bona fide genius. And when I say "genius," I of course mean that Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In single-handedly changed my life.

No, really. My life. Come on, let's check them Highland Cinema/JBB stats:

• 1993 -- walked to junior high on Friday mornings talking about Midnight Tease and Robert Davi.
• 1995 -- emailed JBB from my CompuServe account to get the free copy of The Joe Bob Report newsletter. Afterward, looked up stills of Pamela Anderson from Raw Justice.
• 1996 -- New Year's Resolution to see every movie starring Billy Blanks and/or Dolph Lundgren. Nothing to it.
• 1997 -- Video Picks column in the high school newspaper. Highlights included Attack of the 50 Foot Centerfold/Frankenhooker and Redneck Zombies/Basket Case. Excited when I found Joe Bob's article about Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 in a box of old issues of Rolling Stone.
  
• 1999 -- Drove by a used bookstore in downtown Denver and immediately thought, "I wonder if they have a copy of Joe Bob's Guide to Western Civilization." They did.
  
• 2000-2005 -- College-informed Woody Allen/Michel Foucault hiatus but stayed true to the cause by sandwiching Eaten Alive and The Hills Have Eyes between Chaplin's The Circus and Sayles' Men with Guns. Finally came back around with Cannibal Ferox and Hiroku the Goblin.
  
• 2006 -- Launched The Highland Cinema. Have shamelessly replaced "-g's" with apostrophes ever since.

I Spit on Your Grave is thirty years old and even with all of the overwrought, overblown critical hoopla that the film carries with it, and even with all of the signature Joe Bob analysis and pre-Information Superhighway trivia, this flick is still as uncomfortable and squirm inducing as anything that's come out before or since. Defending it will make you feel like a real jerk, but I think we oughta hand it to Meir Zarchi and Camille Keaton for wholeheartedly committing to a movie that's not about much more than castrating rapists and taking 'em to task with the business end of an outboard motor. I'm not sure I would have "enjoyed" this picture without Joe Bob's voice talking up the camera's feminist gaze, detailing the resumes of every last actor on the screen, or taking apart Siskel and Ebert's oft-mentioned lambasting of the film piece by piece, but I had all of those things and I came away with an even greater appreciation of the finely-crafted Briggs persona and half a mind to send What Have You Done to Solange? to the top of the queue.

Check out Joe Bob as he waxes phi-lo-sophically on H.G. Lewis' Blood Feast. I'm already smilin'.

I Am Comic

I used to hit every metal show that came to town, but at last Saturday's Goatwhore / Watain twofer I spent the entire night agonizing about how best to tweet my desire to make fun of everyone in the venue.

So, yep, guess it's official. I'm done with music. The future belongs to stand-up.

The Hurt Locker

Renner played Dahmer. We're down.

The Cove

Hey, here's something I didn't know: dolphins are FULL of mercury!

Clockers

When I was a sophomore in high school I told everyone that Clockers was better than Braveheart. I'm sure they thought I was nuts, but I think I was ahead of the curve.

After Hours

I have no idea why it took me so long to see this. Absolutely none. Classic.

The Burning Plain

I may be terrified of the sun, but I sure like me some Southwest landscape.

Lucky Louie

I love ya, Louie, but hearing Rick Shapiro on Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast blew my goddamn mind.

Nirvana -- Live at Reading

Dr Pepper --> Cool Ranch --> Boss DS-1

She Hate Me

Total bullshit garbage, but I'm so fucking down with Spike Lee I don't give a fuck. Stay tuned, Miracle at St Anna's on deck!

Alice (1990)

When I was first getting into Woody Allen I wouldn't see any Woody Allen movie unless he was in it because I knew half of my attraction to his work was seeing Woody Allen do the neurotic Woody Allen persona. I'm glad I waited because if I'd seen Alice as an 18 year-old I'm sure I would have hated it.

The Wire -- Season 4

Last year I had some free time on my hands and rather than spending it at the singles bar or collecting passport stamps, I watched sixty hours of The Wire. Awesome shit and totally the right decision.

This year I had some free time on my hands and rather than spending it at the singles bar or collecting passport stamps, I re-watched season four of The Wire. Still awesome shit, but not really the right decision.

Mary & Max

I listened to this episode of the WTF Podcast where Maron and a Fantagraphics dude gushed over Charles Burns' Black Hole. It really made me want to buy the thing, but I'm such a cheap bastard that rather than commit $20 to a super interesting comic book of all things, I drank coffee, listened to an Adolescents record, and watched a "don't-tell-the-Feds" DIVX version of Mary & Max.

And, shit, what an unbelievable movie! The odds-on favorite for the Highland Cinema's Greatest Thing I've Seen in 2010 award.

Pieces

Eli Roth loves this movie. The Highland Cinema does not.

Funny People

I've come around on this Apatow cat. Dude's got himself some solid tastes in the musics.

Greg Giraldo -- Midlife Vices

As soon as I heard that the guy graduated from Harvard Law School, Giraldo and his Caroline's routines went straight from "kinda sorta funny" to "side-splitting and profound" in a New York minute.

I guess if I'm infused with juridical reverence like that I oughta register for the LSAT pronto.

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

Finally, a cannibal flick suitable for yer Bad Movie party! Maybe that's 'cause Massacre in Dinosaur Valley ain't really a cannibal picture. See, no matter how much the trailer emphasizes terror, loincloths, and screamin' naked ladies, the actual flick's more Andy Sidaris doing Romancing the Stone than Herschell Gordon Lewis doing culturally insensitive. Still okay, but be forewarned!

District 9

Huh, a new release? For the Highland Cinema? I know how strange that must seem to you all, but I figured that once I got one o' them fancy big-screens and wired some classy speakers into my Nixon-era hi-fi, I owed it to myself to fire up an honest-to-goodness blockbuster and let my neighbors know that I mean business. Turns out, this particular box office stunner was super cool! I'm not lying when I say I District 9 was really great, what with all its deep-space sea-creature aliens, non-stop nausea-cam, and frequent gloppy, sloppy, tinnitus-inducing explosions. But my favorite part, you ask? The obvious socio-political overtones! They somehow managed to avoid bein' preachy, overbearing, or condescending and I'm still trying to figure out how they pulled it off. Some feat.

The Bicycle Thief

My first foray into Italian Neo-realism. I finally understand that scene in Precious!

Demons

And in one fell swoop, Lamberto Bava brought giallo horror to the Less Than Zero set.

The House By the Cemetery

Of the four of Fulci flicks I've seen so far, House By the Cemetery is by far mah least favorite. Now to be fair, I'll credit Big Lucy for his adeptness in creatin' a genuinely spook-tastic atmosphere and for givin' me the heebiest of heebie-jeebies during that scene where the screechy bat starts chewin' on that one dude's hand 'til he stabs it to death and makes it bleed Sherwin-Williams blood onto the kitchen counter, but when it comes down to it this picture is a lame-o slasher flick without enough gnarly effects to make up for a story that doesn't make a lick of sense. And could they have picked a more annoying voice-over actor to dub in for that blond-headed kid? Oof. I think not.

Facing Ali

If there ever was a case for outlawing the sweet science of bruising, Facing Ali might be it. These guys went from real-deal heavyweight champeens to dudes so slurred we need subtitles just to understand 'em. Ouch.

Until the Light Takes Us

Norwegian Black Metal? Don't we all know this by now? You want to talk about Darkthrone instead? Alright!

Eaten Alive (1980)

While you'll be surprised that director Umberto Lenzi had the gall to combine religious cults with topless cannibal gore so soon after Jonestown, you'll be seriously fucking flabbergasted that the people of New Guinea never sued the guy for defamation. Good lord.

The Beyond

So I think the story's got something to do with a hotel that sits atop the Gates o' Hell, but if ya ask me all you need know about The Beyond is there's this five-minute scene where tarantulas gouge out a man's eye, eat his tongue, and then tear the shit out of his face. I haven't squirmed that much since I watched the circumcision episode of that Penn & Teller show. Outstanding!

Knocked Up

Some time ago I got it into my head that comedies weren't real movies and that there was no way I was gonna waste my time on 'em no matter how many fawning Terry Gross interviews I heard. But now that I watched the Knocked Up on the tv and found it pretty great, pretty funny, and pretty well-made I guess it's time I admit I was wrong. Damn.

Tyson

Hey, don't listen to them talking heads, 2009's best films were clearly this one right here and Bobby Goldthwait's World's Greatest Dad. Seriously, nowhere have we ever found such an entertaining collusion of exploitation, brutality, sportswriterly romanticizin', and sheer motherfucking thuggery as in this ninety-minute pugilisticacious gem. James Toback, you are forthwith known as the AJ Liebling of the new millennium. Bravo.

Swamp Thing

Hey, who'm I kidding here? Really just wanted to see Adrienne Barbeau's boobies.

Command Performance

Big Dolph Lundgren mans the drumkit and kicks some Russkie hiney. Well-done like the Dolph movies I loved as a youth, but still kinda boring like the Dolph movies I watched as a just-past-a-youth. There's also a hot babe.

King of New York

I'm surprised more folks don't quote this movie.