The New York Ripper

I expected eviscerations and eyeball impalements, but I sure didn't anticipate any big toe frottage, razor blade nipple slicin', or broken bottle lady stabbin'. Not sure about this Fulci character.

The House By the Cemetery

Of the four of Fulci flicks I've seen so far, House By the Cemetery is by far mah least favorite. Now to be fair, I'll credit Big Lucy for his adeptness in creatin' a genuinely spook-tastic atmosphere and for givin' me the heebiest of heebie-jeebies during that scene where the screechy bat starts chewin' on that one dude's hand 'til he stabs it to death and makes it bleed Sherwin-Williams blood onto the kitchen counter, but when it comes down to it this picture is a lame-o slasher flick without enough gnarly effects to make up for a story that doesn't make a lick of sense. And could they have picked a more annoying voice-over actor to dub in for that blond-headed kid? Oof. I think not.

The Beyond

So I think the story's got something to do with a hotel that sits atop the Gates o' Hell, but if ya ask me all you need know about The Beyond is there's this five-minute scene where tarantulas gouge out a man's eye, eat his tongue, and then tear the shit out of his face. I haven't squirmed that much since I watched the circumcision episode of that Penn & Teller show. Outstanding!