29 November 2007


This modern internet age is turning all us regular folks into degenerate slimeballs. It really wasn't that long ago that you had to hunt around to see naked ladies, autopsies, and guys with weird diseases. You really had to have luck on your side to come across that third generation Faces of Death dub or that wrinkly sun-bleached Playboy. But now, in this here twenty-first century, you can see all kinds of gross stuff without even trying! Goatse, tubgirl, lemon party -- all things I had no intention of ever seeing in my entire life and there they are posted right there on some idiot's MySpace page or Photoshopped as some dork's avatar. Just cruising Digg every few days I've seen a whole ton of stories about a sad freak of nature like this poor asshole. Jesus, I can't even imagine what kind of horrible things I could witness if I really, truly, sincerely tried to find 'em.

Oh wait, yeah I do.

Now hold on, that's art it is, and besides, I read about stuff like Cannibal Holocaust ten years ago. The kind of degeneracy I'm talking about is the kind of stuff you'll find in this nice little movie Zoo. Stuff like (you guessed it!) animal fucking! I know the guys in this movie go on and on about how they really love them horsies, but who among us is honestly interested in the demarcation between bestiality and zoophilia? I mean, it's goshdarned gross any way you slice it! Zoo spends the first half of its run time giving you narrations and dimly lit reenactments of guys from all over the globe getting together and bonding over their shared love of the intimacy unique to a man-beast relationship. And where, you ask, did these guys meet? Why, online, of course! Just think about it, while you're here reading 'bout some of the finest feature films ever made, a handful of creepy dudes are IM'ing each other stable-cam pics and swapping stories of equine pillow talk. Yuck. Most striking to me isn't that strange fetishes exist, but that there's a community of fetishists for absolutely anything you can imagine. And the grossest thing you can think of? There's already a community of people totally bored with that! This here internet has made the world so small that nothing is off-limits and no matter what you're into there's a number of other cats out there into the very same thing.

Even if its taking a cock the size of a paper-towel roll up the ass.

Yeah, it's a fucked up world we live in.

Hey, did I mention this movie was really good? No? It was!

27 November 2007

Carpathian Forest -- We're Going to Hollywood For This

Wow, what an okay band! Carpathian Forest is sick and creepy Scandinavians who took Sepultura's Motorhead cover to heart. These tunes, they are the good! They are the hate of the Christianity, the necessity of the sadomasochism, the fervor of the scat-pr0n, and the overwhelming of the pain and suffering of your bullshit existence so fuck you, you goddamn piece of shit! They are also a sandwich of moderate rock tempo'd grind riffs and hellish screaming that's sure to make ya say "badass!" before boring ya with its tedium.

26 November 2007

Funny Games (1997)

I didn't like this. It was boring, I didn't find it disturbing, and Haneke's attempt to say something about filmic violence and audience participation doesn't work. Surely you will find this flick brutal and/or repulsive with all the matter-of-fact sadistic torture and tension, but my life would be better if I had these two hours back. Keep your eyes peeled for next February's entirely unnecessary shot-by-shot remake.

18 November 2007


French entry into the modern arena of "torture porn" that's totally unremarkable plot-wise, but cinema-wise features a final thirty minutes that typify such a sense of mayhem and frightening uncertainty we had to change our overall opinion from "meh" to "hey, not half-bad!" Vincent Cassel's enthusiastic performance as the creepy inbred caretaker was so powerful it nearly overcame our overwhelming hatred of the film's protagonists, a Kant-violating group of discothequeing sleazebags so unlikeable that rooting for their collective demise would be a complement. We're not really sure how much we appreciated this movie and even we were a little surprised at how the film's light peppering of misogyny offended even our sick little sensibilities (especially considering we sat through this whole thing without even batting an eye), but somehow we enjoyed Sheitan's arty hipster aspirations enough to recommend it your way.

17 November 2007


Outstanding. This is the first time I watched something nightmarish and surreal and enjoyed what I saw instead of worrying about what every little thing meant. One of the best things the Highland Cinema has shown and I'm even taking the scratched-disc delay into account!

15 November 2007

Jackass: Number Two

You did say you needed more material for you Queer Studies thesis, didn't you?

They're destined for painful deaths, but at least they made us laugh.

14 November 2007

The Isle

The Isle illustrates what should be a more common characteristic of The Highland Cinema's more erudite screenings, precisely that if we watch something smart without prior knowledge we probably won't get it at all. Chances are we'd have enjoyed this one a whole lot more had the idea that it was "a beautiful, haunting parable about a man in a woman's watery world" been planted in our brains before we dimmed the lights and grabbed the popcorn. Instead we dug the contemplative static shots while we scratched our heads wondering what this whole thing was about. Usually when we sit back to watch something ponder-worthy we already know what to expect and have our extrapolation caps firmly in place, but this time we were left all alone without any guidance and we paid the price.

But that part where the guy swallows those fish hooks and then yanks on 'em and the blood starts pouring out his mouth? Man, that was sure cool.

07 November 2007

The River's Edge

Crispin Glover's performance was too consciously campy to earn my praise, but that those two twelve year old kids who got high, broke and entered, and conspired to kill the Keanu Reeves did a damn fine job. What a couple of fuckers they were.

Also stars Ione Skye, the former cheese to some guy's macaroni!

05 November 2007

Little Otik

I think it's funny how my desire to visit the Czech Republic stems from my amazement with this piece of Polish animation. It's like I think anything weird is automatically Slovakian even when I know damn well it ain't. Little Otik, by the way, is both Czech and strange so maybe my borderline irrational assumption isn't entirely off the mark.