The Running Man

The best Arnold films don't always translate into the best ArnoCorps songs. The Running Man is such signature Cinema that it'd be a nearly impossible task for any song to measure up. "Running Man" has some nice guitar interaction and follows a similar narrative arc as "The Terminator" inasmuch as the focus relies solely on Ben Richards' plight and attitude rather than attempting to capture each and every plot details. Lyrically, it sticks straight to the facts -- Richards' set up for a slaughter of the innocents, the Running Man's premise and relation to an oppressive, exploitative "is it media or is it government?" controlled society -- and it is for this that we can appreciate the song. "Running Man"'s downfall, however, is that in spite of its sing-along chorus, it never reaches the anthemic nature of an "Last Action Hero" or the crushing aggression of a "Predator." It is for this that it will be forever be a lower-tier 'Corps product.

We're also bummed that a great line like "now...Plain Zero" didn't make the final cut.

Robocop

For a movie I don't remember watching as a child it sure gave me a weird sense of nostalgia.

Predator

Y'know, "Predator" really didn't do it for me at first. I mean, I liked that opening grumblin' riff and cymbal crash, but those vocal lines during the verses just sounded so clumsy and awkward. But then in no time, I wised up and realized "Predator" was the greatest song by the greatest band of all time. Stick around? You bet.

Radio Days

See, the Woody writes a story about life in the old-timey radio days and then films the thing like a radio drama. Genius? No, but really darn enjoyable. With Seth Green no less!

September

They told me this was a "Chekhovian drama," but I didn't see nuclear wessels anywhere.

I did see a lot of Woody Allen mid-80s Interiors tropes and eighty minutes of unrequited, idealized love, longing, and sadness. Essentially a filmic play, September only hit me during its first half and let me down big-time on the back nine. Lots of commendable performances from Sam Waterston, Dianne Weist (not annoying), and Mia Farrow (wow, even she's not annoy...well, no wait, yeah she still is...), but a story that plods along a little too much without really turning into anything.

Still some great camerawork from Allan Konigsberg's main lensman and great performances from an old couple who starred with Norm MacDonald in two different movies! Don't believe me? Look! Now look here!

Nekromantik // Nekromantik 2

Oh my goddamn. Who would've thought a corpse-lovin' double feature could be so gross? Hey, I know, how about everybody? And I don't mean just plain "gross," I mean fucking gross. Think of the most repulsive thing you've seen and add one. Hell, think of the most repulsive thing you can imagine and then add one. Or two. Or eight. Eighty minutes of greasy, slimy, decaying German bodies and people doing things they shouldn't be doing. 'Cuse me while I puke. [Shudder]


Nekro I is a classic inasmuch as something this putrid can be classic: you watch that opening menage and think, "Whoa, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." [Blech] "That's a dead body! And a lady in the throes of passion!" [Barf] But hold on! If you make to the very end you'll get a scene that is even more disgusting and more offensive, and I will guarantee you that's it'll be unlike anything you'll ever see in any movie for the rest of your life. Especially one that you could get from Netflix. Yuck. I'm serious. Don't watch this. Ever.


But wait, there's more! In case you forgot about Nekro's finale, Nekro II makes you watch it again. The humanity! The horror! The...[throws up in trash can]. Man, that was fucked up, what the hell, Jorg? Nekro II is sometimes even more repellent than its predecessor thanks to a new and improved bloated green corpse. Yecch. [Retch]

Hey, why does it smell like pretzels and stomach acid in here?

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Back when the Highland Cinema was the El Moro Cinema, we screened so many Roddy Piper movies that it wasn't funny. No, wait, it was funny. Roddy Piper is the man, dammit. Back in Action was a favorite at the El Moro, and a double feature with this, after all.

So of course it was a surprise how Hell Comes to Frogtown could have slipped through the cracks. Look! There's frogs, Sandahl Bergman, Rory Calhoun, a post-apocalyptic future, that guy from Maniac Cop. All super-awesome, and we could only imagine what wonderous possibilites would occur when combined. Especially with Rowdy Roddy there to kick ass and chew bubble gum. But where are the frog beast vs man beast fistfights? And where are the one-liners? And why is everything so boring?

Seeing this only made my life better inasmuch as I can say how horrible it was. I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger -- I could have spent that ninety minutes on YouTube.

We were drunk while this played. It was 6-6-06, what do you expect? The movie still wasn't good.

Street Trash

Not enough people talk about this one. "Why?!?" I ask you, "Whhhyyyyy?!?" C'mon, homeless dudes melt into fluorescent ooze. A fat guy explodes. A cop beats a mafioso thug unconscious, leaves him in a urinal, and then pukes on his head. That Bill Chepil never did any other movies is evidence there is no God.

Did I mention that homeless guys melt? Did I mention Frankenhooker's James Lorinz is hilarious? Or that there's a cringe-inducing game of manhood keepaway? Or that there's absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story?

Street trash bad, but Street Trash great.