15 June 2008

Death Bed -- The Bed That Eats

So the guy who made this thing claimed he forgot all about it until he read some dude's fawning message board post twenty-some years later. We find that pretty hard to believe. Death Bed, however, is equally as hard to believe and way way stupider! It's about -- and are you ready for this? -- a bed that eats! Just like it says in the title. Weird thing is, this bed doesn't really eat, it just kinda dissolves people in this Piss Christ solution. Oooh, except in that one scene where it sends a sheet across the room to reel in a helpless victim.

We know that sounds so cool you've already added it to your NetFlix queue, but Death Bed is really fucking weird and cheap, and it's totally fucking worthless -- we shouldn't've spent our time on it and we know we'll be talkin' about it for the rest of our natural lives. The sad part about this one is really that it coulda been so much more. A bed that eats! Come on, how great! Why didn't they set it in an fleabag motel instead of an abandoned farmhouse? Why did they spend all that time telling us the bed was a lovesick demon who lived in a tree and then became the wind and then turned into a four-poster Victorian canopy? And did we mention there's a nineteenth-century ghost who communicates with the bed in a corny Bri'ish accent? Yeah, he lives behind the painting.

Interesting, right? No.

1 comment:

Matthew Timmons said...

We enjoyed the bucket of chicken part.