30 December 2007

Zombie Holocaust

These gorefests sure are boring. There's no story arcs or interesting characters or suspense, just lots of talk talk talking punctuated by poor schmucks getting their stomachs torn apart by loin-clothed savages. But are they ever fun to talk about! See:

You're probably thinking, "Hey, Highland Cinema, what the hell kinda flick is this? Now I already saw Lucio Fulci's amazing Zombi 2, the one where the New York eggheads sail to the tropics to find out why Manhattan's getting chewed up by the living dead, the one where that zombie goes mano a mano with a killer shark and that lady gets a stake jabbed right through her retina. The one that gave me the supremest case of the supreme heebie-jeebies since I faced off with Dom DeLuise at the 15th Annual Westchester County Boysenberry Pie-off. So what's this Zombie Holocaust? More New York wimps sailing to Haiti? More gruesome killings? More spleens left on the front porch next to the Daily Herald? Now why in hell would I want to sit through the same golddern movie all over again?"

'Cause this one's about cannibals and not just zombies goshdarnit! Director Marino Girolami throws a handful of living dead stumblers in the coda for good measure, but most of this flick follows these dubbed-over PhD know-it-alls as they traipse around a jungle isle searching for the secrets of primeval human sacrifice rituals...rituals that made it all the way to New Yawk and started leavin' docs and dentists chewed up on the 5th Ave pavement.

Hmmmm, okay this does sound a bit like Zombi, but ya gotta wait til the second half when Girolami treats us to this crazy ex-pat doctor whose hellbent on reanimatin' corpses, swappin' brains, and removin' vocals cords. And stay tuned for the lovely Alexandra Delli Colli, an Italiano vixen who decides to spend most of her time prancin' around all nekkid and unashamed and givin' us the most ultimate of homina-hominas. See, dear readers, how can ya lose? Ya cain't! Especially when that wind-blown Redford understudy grinds up a zombie's face with an outboard motor. Suh-weet.

Now wasn't that fun? Lookit all the great convo-sations we just had over Zombie Holocaust, a movie we're not even sure we liked!

Joe Bob, we loves ya.

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